How to be the cool elderly man.

I spent a good deal of my childhood as a ball boy for the High School basketball squad. Each away game had a certain feel, each High School had its own atmosphere with positives and negatives. This story concerns our away games in Nelsonville, OH.

One man made this gymnasium a special place for me. His name? Well, I don't even know his name. My fellow ball boy, Andrew, and I just referred to him as "The Juicy Fruit Man." To this day if I said "They Juicy Fruit Man" Andrew would know EXACTLY to whom I was referring.



The Juicy Fruit Man [TJFM]
TJFM was introduced to me in the winter of 1990, my first year as ball boy. His hair grey, perfectly groomed and stood on end into a butch waxed flat top. TJFM had skin that had been weathered from years of life experience, his wire frame glasses with circle lenses rested upon his face. A warm, red-plaid, flannel long-sleeve button up shirt rested just below the navy suspenders with gold clips that hoisted up his light blue jeans. "Ryan, Andrew! he exclaimed, you boys gonna take it easy on us tonight?" TJFM then would stick out his hand and shake with the two of us. Much like the '$100 handshakes' made famous in college athletics, TJFM would slide us a stick of Juicy Fruit gum in the handshake and be on his way to keep scorebook for the Nelsonville Buckeyes like he had always done for innumerable years.

One might wonder why I have such a vivid memory of this encounter. I have this memory ingrained in me because this same scenario would take place every year for  the next 12 years of my life. Every winter, the same friendly old man, with the flat-top, suspenders and flannel. Every winter the Juicy Fruit gum slid inconspicuously to me in a handshake. That small gesture, a piece of gum, made a huge impact on my life. I'd really like to sit down with TJFM and tell him just how unique he made the trip to Nelsonville High School for me compared to the countless other gyms of my youth. TJFM has undoubedtly passed on though. I can still remember stretching in the locker room before playing Nelsonville my Junior year, Andrew's senior year, chewing my piece of Juicy Fruit gum and looking over and seeing Andrew sitting down chewing his Juicy Fruit and both of us saying, "Did ya get the handshake?"

Now, as the title promised: How to be the cool elderly man

1. Have an activity you always attend, never miss. [Nelsonville basketball games]
2. Have a unique wardrobe accessory that makes you easily identifiable. [suspenders]
3. Have a catch-phrase [you boys gonna take it easy on us tonight]
4. Have a gimmick [Juicy Fruit handshake]
5. Talk to everyone and remember the people that you know you will see later.

Conclusion: The power of kindness and treating people like they are important can never be undervalued. I was at the supermarket this week and bought a pack of Juicy Fruit gum. I soon as I started chewing on that first piece I found myself back in my childhood in a gymnasium in Nelsonville, OH just wanting to play one more game of basketball.

Jenny.

People around you make the biggest impact on your life. Fact. Different people cycle in and out of your life, often without a definable start and stop time. This is a series of memories of one such person in my life and the memories I choose to keep. Her name is Jenny, and she's from West Virginia.

Backstory: My best friend Andrew transferred to Marshall for college for his Sophomore year, he met Jenny at what I believe was an orientation. They grew close and before long they were dating. They continued dating for what I remember to be around two years. A few of these stories I experienced and a few were shared with me by Andrew. Jenny is from Oak Hill, West Virginia.

1. Andrew returned from class one day to an excitable Jenny... "Andrew! I went to tha supermarrket tudday and they had the bigggest oranges I had ever seeeeen, and they were cheap toooo! But I ate one and they were terrrribul!!!!" Upon further inspection, Andrew had to explain to Jenny what a Grapefruit was.
2. During the first summer they were together I received a phone call from Andrew, "Hey Ryan! Me, Jenny and the family are going to the Columbus Zoo today, think you'd want to come along?" Of course I did. Jenny was excited, she had never been to the zoo before, although they do have all kinds of critters in Oak Hill. As we walked into the gates and veared left, early on in the day, Jenny grabbed Andrew and I by the shirts to stop us and said, "Oh MY GAWWWWD, they're reallll!!!!!" Standing before us were Flamingos. Not only had Jenny never seen a flamingo before, but she thought they were mythical creatures, like a unicorn. The only exposure to flamingos Jenny had experience were the plastic yard ornaments that adorned the front lawns about Oak Hill.
3. Being hard-up for cash like most college kids Andrew was looking for ways to make ends meet. The way Andrew decided to do this was to donate Plasma. It worked well for him too. Once or twice a week he'd go spend an hour at the blood bank, donate his plasma, and then walk out with 50 bucks. Then this conversation happened... Jenny: Andrew why d'ya go down ther every week and donate yer plasma? Andrew: Well it doesn't take very long, I make 50 bucks, and it kind of helps people. Jenny: I just don't think they're givin you enuff money. Andrew: I don't really have to do anything and get 50 dollars. Jenny: Ya but, I was in Wal-Mart the other day and saw how much they were sellin those TVs for and it seems like they could give you way more than 50 dollars for yer plasma.  What do you say to that?
4. Speaking of making ends meet, Andrew also spent a lot of time in the winters refereeing little league basketball games for extra money. Jenny: Andrew, when you're out there reffin' do you treat all dem boys the same? Andrew: Well, I try my best to... that is unless they're a dirty player. If they're a dirty player then I watch them extra carefully and call more fouls on them. Jenny: I can't believe you Andrew!!!! You should know not everyone can afford to take a shower!
5. After a day with Jenny and Andrew and a few other friends at Kings Island we decided to finish off the day by going on one of the super log rides were you get drenched. Dripping wet, we loaded into the car and headed back towards Huntington, WV. Feeling hungry, we pulled off at Bob Evans to get some grub. Little did we know Jenny had packed extra clothes incase we did the water rides, while we waited to order Jenny went to change. After one or two minutes I felt a need to go to the restroom myself. I walk in, go to the urinal. In the one stall in the bathroom I notice a pile of clothes on the floor. Me: Jenny? Jenny: Hey Ryannn!!!! Kings Island sure was fun today, huh? Me: yea.... Jenny: We should all really do stuff like this more often. Me: Whatcha doin? Jenny: Oh just changin' I got soaked out there! Me: Jenny, do you know you are in the Men's restroom? Jenny: Oh! I was wonderin' why they had a stand-up toilet!

Conclusion: It's been years since I have heard from or about Jenny. But spending time with her in college while we both learned about and experienced the world around us was something I would never give back. The longer I have lived away from Appalachia the more I come to realize what makes that area of the country unique. Appalachia is about people, shared experiences, being able to laugh at oneself, and being able to share made memories with others. I know every time I visit the area, and as I reflect on growing up there, it seems the days were hours longer and fathoms less stressful. The extra time spent with friends talking about life memories past and present.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make"      ~The Ataris

Her Name is Mary Jane

The purpose of this blog post is to share wisdom with you, the reader, that I gained during college. Specifically from my professor/advisor Mary Jane Wolfe. I'll keep it short.

To give you a visual of Mary Jane: she is very chill, in her 40s or 50s, and wore Birkenstock sandals with thick socks. And when I say she wore Birkenstocks I mean everyday she wore sandals. Rain, Snow, or Shine. Here we go:

1. "Ryan, every math problem has its own spirit, its own aura. Once you are in touch with the problems spirit it becomes easy to solve."
2. "Ryan, I want you to make a promise to me right now... never tell your kids to color inside of the lines... never."
3. "Ryan, don't worry that you weren't able to complete the homework assignment... the proof has been attempted by the best math minds for hundreds of years and hasn't yet been solved."
4. "Ryan, never criticize a child's handwriting and NEVER tell them to write on the lines on the paper."
5. "Ryan and Joni, as a teacher it is very important to be organized. I have been collecting these papers in random piles for 3 years, your assignment for today is to create 5 categories and sort all of the papers."
6. "Ryan and Joni, as teachers it is very important to give constructive feedback. We will create a rubric for American Idol and critique last nights performances, and decide who would be the best teacher Simon, Paula, or Randy."

I'll be honest, I used to think Mary Jane was crazy, but looking back now I think she really is brilliant to a point. As a talented mathematician Mary Jane could have worked in a lot of different universities, but chose Rio Grande because they let her wear Birkenstocks to work and she wanted to feel like she was on vacation every day when she was at work.

Don't tell kids to write or color inside the lines? Our future in America is through creative thinking. Telling kids to control themselves and color inside the lines may create a good little student soldier of the status quo, but the people who make the biggest impact on our society are the people that can color outside the lines.

Math problems have spirits? Still working on breaking that one down, but so far I believe she was trying to tell me that there are millions of ways to solve a math problem, and solve life's problems really. The more familiar you become with your problems, and the more you investigate them, the way to solve your problems will reveal itself.

Conclusion: Those who impact our life years down the road may just be somebody you think is a few french fries short of a happy meal.

Thyme to Investigate Shampoo

When I wash my hair I go for cheap and efficient. I choose the VO5 shampoo and conditioner in 1, it's only $1 for a bottle. I don't really demand high performance from my shampoo but I know there are people who do. What does our hair crave to be healthy? If you look in my shower it says it needs Soy Milk.

The purpose of this blog is to discuss, openly, the ridiculous ingredients in shampoo. I've been kicking this idea around in my head since I noticed I was using a shampoo that advertised its secret ingredients as Kelp and Seaweed. As previously stated my current shampoo and conditioner touts the benefits of soy milk for my hair. I just want to list various key ingredients I've noticed in the hair care aisle at my local grocer: Lemon-grass, Rosemary, Vanilla Mint extracts, green tea, all forms of citrus, chamomile, grape seed, and Juniper. This by no means is the end of the strange ingredients.

I totally get the desire for a pleasant smelling shampoo and clean hair, but I think these organic ingredients are just getting ridiculous. Would I be doing any favors keeping packs of green tea and lemon-grass in my shower to rub in my hair... I would guess no. Next time I go swimming in the ocean will I grab some seaweed and get in a quick scrub? No. Who knows, maybe used motor oil is the best thing to moisturize your hair, seems to me to make about as much sense as soy milk.

Conclusion: This whole time you've been carefully selecting your shampoo I think they are selling you a load of crap.

A Forbidden Love...

My mom is traveling to to China in the next week, so I thought a great Mother's Day gift would be a sightseeing book for her trip. I decided to just drive to Barnes & Noble up the road to try and find something real quick.

Bookstores are nice because it isn't too hard to check out the big genre signs and kind of meander my way to the correct area. I briskly walked down the main aisle passing literature on either side searching for 'Travel'. I proccessed the information quickly as I passed Fiction, Romance, Young Adult, Mystery, Classics, Paranormal Teen Romance, Self-Help, Cooking... WAIT WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you read over it, PARANORMAL TEEN ROMANCE! Yeah, it now has a dedicated section at Barnes & Nobel. Really.

I guess I would consider Harry Potter kind of the gateway Paranormal book in a genre now dominated by the Twilight series... But still, an entire section? This evokes imagery in my mind of throngs of authors hammering away at typewriters to tell young readers about Vampires falling in love and Werewolves with hearts of gold. How much money does the 5th most successful Zombie love author make? Can I be him? Potential exerpt:

As Claire gazed longingly into the eyes of her undead lover she fealt torn between the life she had and the life that Patrick could offer her. She spoke; "Patrick... I just need to know if you will protect me and love me no matter what." Patrick took Claire into his cold, lifeless, but loving arms. Then, with a passion only a Zombie could comprehend HE ATE CLAIRE'S BRAINS BECAUSE HE IS A FREAKIN' ZOMBIE!!!!

Okay, maybe being an author of Paranormal Teen Romance isn't in my future, but I honestly do not understand a dedicated section at Barnes & Noble for such a specific type of book. I suppose if I were still young and there were a dedicated section to Goosebumps I might be more understanding.

Conclusion: Everyone deserves a chance at love, even the Paranormal. Be thankful for the numerous authors who share their stories.

World Cup Soccer: Be American.

The World Cup is quickly coming to an end for another 4 years. Time for a confession, I am not a big Soccer fan and probably never will be, but the World Cup is awesome. I like that the best players in the world are playing for their country and I like how passionate the rest of the world is about the sport. This year has had a lot of great moments. For me I particularly enjoyed the drama surrounding the USA's disallowed goal, Ghana's unbelievable exit from the tournament, and watching the world stop in England as they fell short yet again at the World Cup.

But here is the thing, if you're an American, act like it. I watched the World Cup games in London and the are unabashedly Team England in every broadcast. Every announcer and every analyst is pro England on the BBC. The American formula for showing soccer is quite simple really... 2 broadcasters, one with an accent that is unmistakably European. Does the BBC call in an American broadcaster for a different opinion? NO WAY! The second person in the USA booth is, thankfully, an American. But, you can tell he is not real happy about being American. You can tell this by our USA broadcaster not developing an accent but following the speech patterns of those who know what they are talking about when it comes to soccer [which the TV stations assume is a non-American]. I just want Americans broadcasting soccer that are proud to be American, here is what I mean:

1. We call is soccer the rest of the world doesn't, oh well, embrace it. Don't call the players footballers, they are soccer players in America and you are talking to the American public.
2. In the USA we have teams, soccer teams. The next time I hear our broadcaster refer to the Spain Soccer Team as a "side" instead of a team I may just cry. It's a joke, nobody from the USA says that.
3. If you are in Europe you can call it a Football Pitch all you want, when you are commentating to Americans speak our dialect... it's a Soccer Field. When I hear somebody say "the pitch looks a little torn up today" I just envision Roger Clemens standing on top of a mound crying.
4. There is no need for impartial broadcasting when it comes to USA games. Don't bring in a foreign analyst to tell us that the USA team is 'gonna have a rough go of it'. I need our analyst to be irrational patriots. Tell me we are going to win and tell me why we are going to win even if we aren't. Don't tell me a tie is a 'good result for the American side.' No no no, we're America a tie isn't good enough in anything, that is why our country is as great as it is. Build the USA team up, make the USA people believe even if it is in a false hope.

Conclusion: I have pet peeves and these are a few more of them. With 3 World Cup games remaining, I ask you to tune in and pay close attention to our American broadcaster. Is he accurately trying to describe the game to the watching American public, or is he trying to make his counterpart respect his knowledge of 'football lingo'.

Sagerites Unite... A call to arms vs KG

Spring is in the air and the NBA Playoffs are in full swing. I watch the Playoffs every year, but only on certain nights. Certain nights when the games are on TNT. Most would agree that the NBA isn't the highest quality team game, but TNT has the formula.

The games boil down to 2 or 3 minutes at the end of regulation, but my interest peaks 2 or 3 times during the game when they throw it down to the sideline. Sure Erin Andrews is beautiful, but the best sideline reporter in the game is Craig Sager. Sometimes I am so mesmerized by his style I don't even hear the questions he is asking the players. How can one man have it all together as much as Craig Sager? Never known to wear the same suit twice, each game he seems to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat. Each trip to the sideline with Craig Sager is an epigrammatic journey of wonderment.

Which brings me to the point of this blog. Craig Sager has been disrespected, and in turn, we, the viewing public, have been disrespected. The tirade from Kevin Garnett you are about to see is shocking to say the least. Feel free to be a KG hater with me for the duration of the Playoffs, and cheer with me for the sideline reporter who isn't afraid to ask the hard hitting questions or to be seen in nefarious threads...

Conclusion: Burn that lime thong.